One of the lines that I remember from a book is this one:

“Reason can not tell us where to go, but it can tell us how to get there… it is a gun for hire for anything we want…whether it is good or bad…”

Then, what is it that decides where we want to go?

Maybe the word can speak for itself. Want.
I don’t know if I decide what I want consciously.
Some of the things, yes, maybe. Maybe reason takes part.
But most of them, I just want.
Something drives me deep down inside.

And the explanation why I want something, which sounds so rational, often only to provide people with plausible and satisfying answer. The exact feeling that drives me, is lying underneath… sometimes undetectable, even by very serious contemplation.

Some people even don’t bother to detect it.

But what struck me is that apparently I took “that feeling” for granted, In the past time, I didn’t realize how much it keeps me alive.

Until comes a certain moment in my life when I couldn’t feel the drive inside of me…
It is a grim, horrible moment, and really frustrating…
I tried hard to really want something. But I just didn’t feel anything. I don’t know what I want, I wonder why people want something, I tried to find a reason to want something, and any reason just failed. Some of them might work at first, but they just didn’t create enough drive to make me keep moving forward. It’s like, I just want to stop.

I kept thinking, why bother to do this and that? I can answer this question actually.. because of this, because of that… but I just couldn’t feel it. There’s a difference between knowing and feeling.

The only thing that kept me walking at those moment was responsibility. It dragged me like a heavy burden hanging around my neck. It kept me move, even though with heavy steps.

Still, I moved. And now I am grateful for it. Because if I stop walking, maybe I couldn’t find the drive anymore.

Then, at a certain point, I just didn’t realize why, I start laughing heartily, I start liking something (while previously I ignored completely the concept of like-don’t like, the responsibility told me it was must and must not), my steps were light and cheery, I wanted to do something. I wanted.

Then I remembered the usual question: why? why I want this? What’s the good thing in it? What’s the reason that I want it? And I couldn’t find the answer. I simply want. No explainable reason behind it.

Well, Maybe I wasn’t completely clueless. I can feel the drive and suspected something as being a motive, still… I couldn’t explain it. 🙂

So, in the end, when I feel “alive” again, I come up with a conclusion: Whatever it is, whatever you might call it; drive, motive, passion, desire.. I think we should be grateful for having it. It keeps us alive. 🙂

Alhamdulillah.. 🙂


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